Hello Everyone!
Yes, it has been a long time since I have posted anything. It seems this BLOG has a mixed bag of emotions for me as well as OTHERS. Some might say that I post to many personal items and yet others have seen another side and have more respect for me. I think all three of us from the show have been launched on three different journeys. Each have clearly chosen different paths. I, myself have chosen to no longer bury myself in self denial. I will not bury myself with WORK, with FOOD, with SEX or with anything else that will cloud my mind with anything other then what I need to accomplish. So if that means this BLOG is to personal then so be it
Here is what I have learned so far. "It is not about the weight. It is not about the goal. It is not being thin or being someone special or getting there. Those are fantasies in your mind - and they are in the future, a future that never comes. Because when your goals are reached, they will be reached in the 'right now.' And in the 'right now' you will still be you, doing the same things you do now. You will stand up, walk around, get root canals, open the refrigerator door, sleep, feel happy, feel devastated, feel lonely, get old and die.
But it not NOT about the weight because if you using FOOD as a drug, if you keep distracting yourself by creating a weight problem, then you need to attend to your weight in order to stand up, walk around, open doors, sleep, feel happy, feel devastated, feel loved, get old and die - with any degree of attention, whole heartiness, presence. If you keep slapping another problem on top of the freshness of life itself, all you see is what you have slapped on it. You cannot ignore a problem because it is one you have manufactured."
If you do not take the time to fix you and address what is really wrong and figure out WHY you are using FOOD as a substitute. NOTHING and I mean NOTHING will work to fix YOU! It doesn't matter how thin you get - and you will get thin for a while. You will gain the weight back and you will not be happy. I am choosing to do both at the same time. Get happy and get thin. If it takes me longer then the rest so be it....but I will be happy with ME and my body when I get there.
Meet me there........
7/16/10
6/3/10
Still going.....
Another week has gone by....
We found out we will not be going back to the show for the results now until September. This is good it gives us all more time to work on getting a little further in our journey. Mona and I are working together to push each other. Cathea well Cathea is just on her own journey. To each his/her own I suppose. I had to send out an email between all of us and state what a shame that we can't all work together. It doesn't seem that everyone has grown out of the beauty queen stage.
I first need to set the record straight because so many people have sent email about Shawn and I breaking up. Yes we are no longer engaged and we are both taking a break. My comment was a bit strong about him being a mouse in a corner. Remember I am hurt from losing a partner that I felt was going to be on a journey with me for the rest of my life. It wasn't a comment to be hurtful but tact has never been one of my strongest points. We have decided through this journey we both have items to work on. One is living in different states. That is a huge factor. Plus I have to give Shawn props for coming forward before the marriage and telling me he has commitment issues. Most men would cheat on you and then tell you that, so I thank him for that and not hurting me in that way and being man enough to come forward with that first and foremost. I have loved him since the fourth grade, I just do not think that we are in the same place right now in our lives and it was better to find that out now then after the vows were exchanged. I won't lie that this wasn't the plan but nothing in life is more constant then change!
I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which makes it much easier for me to understand WHY I cannot last for more then 20 minutes at the gym without busting out into tears and running out of there. So Jill is helping find a trainer that would like to work with me ONE on ONE at a single gym not at large gym or Y. I cannot seem to stop the panic attacks even with drugs, which only seem to make me tired. Something will work out, I will just keep getting my steps in.
I don't seem to be eating enough calories so I am back to not losing so Jill is attempting to help me make food list. But I am afraid to eat that I eating to much and then I panic I won't eat the right things. It is an endless battle. But like everyone knows the weight battle is an endless battle everyday with ourselves. EVERY DAY is an endless struggle of just getting up and out of bed it just seems that every place I turn there is a door slammed in my face. Maybe it is work, maybe it is money, maybe it is relationship, maybe it is just a child you are just trying to help but lately it just doesn't seem to work out. I need to search for something that is positive I just have NOT found it yet. I would love to do work around this crazy house but EVERYTHING take MONEY! They say money makes the world go round! They certainly were not kidding!!
Someday I just hope my life gets back to semi normal. Is there such a thing?
See u next time.....
We found out we will not be going back to the show for the results now until September. This is good it gives us all more time to work on getting a little further in our journey. Mona and I are working together to push each other. Cathea well Cathea is just on her own journey. To each his/her own I suppose. I had to send out an email between all of us and state what a shame that we can't all work together. It doesn't seem that everyone has grown out of the beauty queen stage.
I first need to set the record straight because so many people have sent email about Shawn and I breaking up. Yes we are no longer engaged and we are both taking a break. My comment was a bit strong about him being a mouse in a corner. Remember I am hurt from losing a partner that I felt was going to be on a journey with me for the rest of my life. It wasn't a comment to be hurtful but tact has never been one of my strongest points. We have decided through this journey we both have items to work on. One is living in different states. That is a huge factor. Plus I have to give Shawn props for coming forward before the marriage and telling me he has commitment issues. Most men would cheat on you and then tell you that, so I thank him for that and not hurting me in that way and being man enough to come forward with that first and foremost. I have loved him since the fourth grade, I just do not think that we are in the same place right now in our lives and it was better to find that out now then after the vows were exchanged. I won't lie that this wasn't the plan but nothing in life is more constant then change!
I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which makes it much easier for me to understand WHY I cannot last for more then 20 minutes at the gym without busting out into tears and running out of there. So Jill is helping find a trainer that would like to work with me ONE on ONE at a single gym not at large gym or Y. I cannot seem to stop the panic attacks even with drugs, which only seem to make me tired. Something will work out, I will just keep getting my steps in.
I don't seem to be eating enough calories so I am back to not losing so Jill is attempting to help me make food list. But I am afraid to eat that I eating to much and then I panic I won't eat the right things. It is an endless battle. But like everyone knows the weight battle is an endless battle everyday with ourselves. EVERY DAY is an endless struggle of just getting up and out of bed it just seems that every place I turn there is a door slammed in my face. Maybe it is work, maybe it is money, maybe it is relationship, maybe it is just a child you are just trying to help but lately it just doesn't seem to work out. I need to search for something that is positive I just have NOT found it yet. I would love to do work around this crazy house but EVERYTHING take MONEY! They say money makes the world go round! They certainly were not kidding!!
Someday I just hope my life gets back to semi normal. Is there such a thing?
See u next time.....
5/21/10
WOW - how long has it been!
Hi Everyone!
I didn't realize it has been three weeks since I have posted something. I have still been working hard since getting out of the hospital. Lots of books I needed to read and lots of Dr's visits to go to. Well I try to go. Lot's of work to do at those visits and it is hard to stay on task. I attempt to talk about the day to day events instead of what needs to be done. It seems I am good as "avoidance" another great term I have learned.
I am just not getting out of this funk. Interview after interview I have heard nothing about work. I am so used to going on an interview and walking away with a job. Everyone keeps telling me "this is a different market" "these are different times" but guess what someone has to get the job? Why not me? Every time - sorry we have hired someone from within? I wonder if that is just a nice turn down line. So if my self confidence wasn't shot already, it seems to be going down farther. Because you know me it has to be me that isn't getting the job it cant be this economy right!
So lots of bills, two mortgages of $1200 each, groceries (because it seems we own stock in Giant Eagle) and of course on a budget you need to stock up on things not just buy what you need! (My mother buys the groceries). The electric company coming to the door give us a check or we are turning it off, lucky I have a check to pay them. Yes God provides.
The renters on the other condo left it in the middle of a TWO year lease with $1000 of repairs so that needed to be done, the locks need to be changed and guess what the ass wont return the garage door opener. Why? Because he wants me to go out with him in trade? Yes, just what I want at this point in my life. He has cost me a year lease, $1000 in repairs and I should be thrilled to be going out on a date with him. Do you ever wonder what the HECK men are thinking?
So I held a garage sale and sold whatever I could find in the house. Whatever furniture I could find and just kept asking people what they were looking for and running in the house. Yes, and then thinking if I had it. So enough money to make some other payments - not like I could go shopping at Tiffany's afterwards! Wow what a let down! Well garage sale down and money in the bank. Now still a job to be found!
More interviews this week - I had a second one with a company this week but they want me to move to New York City. Exciting, YES. But there is a small boy that is in no way moving but also we may not have a choice there is nothing here work wise. Yes has been accepted to a great academic school rated second in the country for baseball which is his dream Guess what I wont stay where there is no money to be had for my family to be successful. I am not a coward I have to move forward and take care of things. He will be taken care of. Somehow I will get it done. Show him that I am not a quitter and status QUO is NOT acceptable!! ALONE yes.
Alone - that is another story. Shawn is just Shawn. I am tired of him telling me he will be in my corner. I have enough people in my corner. I need someone that wants to be by my side. I need a man by my side not a mouse watching from the corner. Watching while I take care of everything and just being there to say YEAH or OK. I guess I am on my own and that is OK. I was on my own when I met him 18 months ago and I can do it alone now. What help was it really anyway. When things were great they were great but when there was a problem or a crisis it wasn't great. So there really wasn't anything. I learned how he was in a crisis when I miscarried the baby. He doesn't handle crisis.
So I will look for a job. If I need to move to New York City or if I some how find a local position I will do what I do to take care of myself and my son. Because I have learned NO ONE will take care of ME and Josh but ME. I have tried my hardest to be the best I can be and given it my all but the rope is getting smaller by the day.......where do I go from here.
I feel at this point my bed is the only person that loves me - it envelops me. It doesn't judge me and it just makes it all go away. Yes I know I am not making anything go away by doing that. It sounds odd but I think clearer when I sleep - I just hate how it must make me look to my son.
I CAN DO THIS - IS WHAT I NEED TO REPEAT TO MYSELF but I wake up each day and look around and it is all do overwhelming I just lay back down. You know who you are come here and kick me in the ass!! I am calling out to you because I am losing it!!
I didn't realize it has been three weeks since I have posted something. I have still been working hard since getting out of the hospital. Lots of books I needed to read and lots of Dr's visits to go to. Well I try to go. Lot's of work to do at those visits and it is hard to stay on task. I attempt to talk about the day to day events instead of what needs to be done. It seems I am good as "avoidance" another great term I have learned.
I am just not getting out of this funk. Interview after interview I have heard nothing about work. I am so used to going on an interview and walking away with a job. Everyone keeps telling me "this is a different market" "these are different times" but guess what someone has to get the job? Why not me? Every time - sorry we have hired someone from within? I wonder if that is just a nice turn down line. So if my self confidence wasn't shot already, it seems to be going down farther. Because you know me it has to be me that isn't getting the job it cant be this economy right!
So lots of bills, two mortgages of $1200 each, groceries (because it seems we own stock in Giant Eagle) and of course on a budget you need to stock up on things not just buy what you need! (My mother buys the groceries). The electric company coming to the door give us a check or we are turning it off, lucky I have a check to pay them. Yes God provides.
The renters on the other condo left it in the middle of a TWO year lease with $1000 of repairs so that needed to be done, the locks need to be changed and guess what the ass wont return the garage door opener. Why? Because he wants me to go out with him in trade? Yes, just what I want at this point in my life. He has cost me a year lease, $1000 in repairs and I should be thrilled to be going out on a date with him. Do you ever wonder what the HECK men are thinking?
So I held a garage sale and sold whatever I could find in the house. Whatever furniture I could find and just kept asking people what they were looking for and running in the house. Yes, and then thinking if I had it. So enough money to make some other payments - not like I could go shopping at Tiffany's afterwards! Wow what a let down! Well garage sale down and money in the bank. Now still a job to be found!
More interviews this week - I had a second one with a company this week but they want me to move to New York City. Exciting, YES. But there is a small boy that is in no way moving but also we may not have a choice there is nothing here work wise. Yes has been accepted to a great academic school rated second in the country for baseball which is his dream Guess what I wont stay where there is no money to be had for my family to be successful. I am not a coward I have to move forward and take care of things. He will be taken care of. Somehow I will get it done. Show him that I am not a quitter and status QUO is NOT acceptable!! ALONE yes.
Alone - that is another story. Shawn is just Shawn. I am tired of him telling me he will be in my corner. I have enough people in my corner. I need someone that wants to be by my side. I need a man by my side not a mouse watching from the corner. Watching while I take care of everything and just being there to say YEAH or OK. I guess I am on my own and that is OK. I was on my own when I met him 18 months ago and I can do it alone now. What help was it really anyway. When things were great they were great but when there was a problem or a crisis it wasn't great. So there really wasn't anything. I learned how he was in a crisis when I miscarried the baby. He doesn't handle crisis.
So I will look for a job. If I need to move to New York City or if I some how find a local position I will do what I do to take care of myself and my son. Because I have learned NO ONE will take care of ME and Josh but ME. I have tried my hardest to be the best I can be and given it my all but the rope is getting smaller by the day.......where do I go from here.
I feel at this point my bed is the only person that loves me - it envelops me. It doesn't judge me and it just makes it all go away. Yes I know I am not making anything go away by doing that. It sounds odd but I think clearer when I sleep - I just hate how it must make me look to my son.
I CAN DO THIS - IS WHAT I NEED TO REPEAT TO MYSELF but I wake up each day and look around and it is all do overwhelming I just lay back down. You know who you are come here and kick me in the ass!! I am calling out to you because I am losing it!!
5/1/10
Still Plugging Along.....
Hi Everyone!
Well I finally finished my outpatient stint at the hospital. I felt that I could no longer be helped within the group therapy sessions. I needed to be more in one on one sessions with someone and the Dr. agreed. You cannot even imagine the things your mind does when you have hidden things from it with food. I have had two HUGE vices on my side ONE I am a workaholic and TWO I found out a FOOD aholic. So without a job and food to save me from myself I have to deal with myself. SCARY! Imagine having to face that!!
Folders begin to open in your head that you felt were not just closed ones but ones you never really remembered existed. I really was challenged in therapy and needed to not only do some searching but some FOOTWORK! I said something in therapy that my therapists questioned and I actually had to go on a field trip! Sometimes, she says, when you have been through trauma you "think" you remember things that have taken place. So she challenged me to find things and bring things to her to prove to her it happened. This was great. I cannot tell you that at first my feelings were not hurt. I felt she was calling me a liar, but once I completed the field trip I felt vindicated. Vindicated for me and for my mind. Wow, I really didn't want to feel all these feelings again. Nor did I want to deal with them. But for some reason, God wants me to deal with them now.
Now I am not a LARGELY religious person. I believe in something certainly larger then me and He is definitely in charge. So when I lost my job, and lost my baby and was direct to the show and now on this journey, it is no accident. I need to clear out these files and get a few things in my life cleaned up. ONE - clean the garbage out of my life. TWO - remove those that DO NOT have my best interest at heart and THREE become healthy both in body and soul. The healthier I am then the healthier people I attract to me.
Well I am certainly on my way. The stronger I get the more people begin to weed themselves out of my life. I find it amazing the stronger I get and they can no longer manipulate and push and get their way they just quietly remove themselves. I just slowly become obsolete in their lives and they seem to move on. I feel myself getting stronger. I feel my back bone getting straighter and at times I even catch myself smiling at myself in the mirror. Don't tell anyone, but I may even be beginning to like the person looking back! She's is getting there. I can tell you she is farther along then she has ever been before!
Everyday is still a struggle to get out of bed. I am not going to lie, yesterday on my 10,000 steps walk I wished that a car would just come around the corner and remove me from all the pain I feel. But I know that would just be a coward's way out! I am NO COWARD! Jill tells me "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear!"
This is journey is all worth it......
Well I finally finished my outpatient stint at the hospital. I felt that I could no longer be helped within the group therapy sessions. I needed to be more in one on one sessions with someone and the Dr. agreed. You cannot even imagine the things your mind does when you have hidden things from it with food. I have had two HUGE vices on my side ONE I am a workaholic and TWO I found out a FOOD aholic. So without a job and food to save me from myself I have to deal with myself. SCARY! Imagine having to face that!!
Folders begin to open in your head that you felt were not just closed ones but ones you never really remembered existed. I really was challenged in therapy and needed to not only do some searching but some FOOTWORK! I said something in therapy that my therapists questioned and I actually had to go on a field trip! Sometimes, she says, when you have been through trauma you "think" you remember things that have taken place. So she challenged me to find things and bring things to her to prove to her it happened. This was great. I cannot tell you that at first my feelings were not hurt. I felt she was calling me a liar, but once I completed the field trip I felt vindicated. Vindicated for me and for my mind. Wow, I really didn't want to feel all these feelings again. Nor did I want to deal with them. But for some reason, God wants me to deal with them now.
Now I am not a LARGELY religious person. I believe in something certainly larger then me and He is definitely in charge. So when I lost my job, and lost my baby and was direct to the show and now on this journey, it is no accident. I need to clear out these files and get a few things in my life cleaned up. ONE - clean the garbage out of my life. TWO - remove those that DO NOT have my best interest at heart and THREE become healthy both in body and soul. The healthier I am then the healthier people I attract to me.
Well I am certainly on my way. The stronger I get the more people begin to weed themselves out of my life. I find it amazing the stronger I get and they can no longer manipulate and push and get their way they just quietly remove themselves. I just slowly become obsolete in their lives and they seem to move on. I feel myself getting stronger. I feel my back bone getting straighter and at times I even catch myself smiling at myself in the mirror. Don't tell anyone, but I may even be beginning to like the person looking back! She's is getting there. I can tell you she is farther along then she has ever been before!
Everyday is still a struggle to get out of bed. I am not going to lie, yesterday on my 10,000 steps walk I wished that a car would just come around the corner and remove me from all the pain I feel. But I know that would just be a coward's way out! I am NO COWARD! Jill tells me "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear!"
This is journey is all worth it......
4/14/10
Trouble in Paradise
Hi Everyone
Sorry it has been so long again since posting, I continue to struggle. I do not struggle with the food or the steps but I struggle with my mind. The weekend getaway was great but great but sooner or later you still need to come home to reality. I was driving home from my great getaway and phone begins to ring. Where is this, where is that, I need this and I need that. Already before I left I seemed to have had a fragile mindset and now it didn't seem to be getting better.
I decided I needed to talk to my doctor about what has been going on about all of this. If seems I am just not myself. She and I sat down and talked. She felt there has just been so much loss lately in my life that who could be asked to cope with that in the past 90 days. I lost a baby, my job, a relationship and my comfort friend FOOD. Lots of changes and some new introductions need to be placed into my life. We decided I need to go into an Outpatient Program at the hospital to work on coping skills. Without a job to bury myself in I can go and go without thinking. Work gets out of control and I can easily grab a cupcake! When something upsetting happens and it is the weekend before I would drive through McDonald and delve into a Quarter Pounder.
So this is week three of classes. The Easter basket was here around the house and IT WAS difficult to leave it alone. I love those Cadbury Eggs but I did not touch the basket. My family even brought pizza into the house. That was a different argument all in itself. Easter Sunday everyone came over here for the traditional ham and all the fixings. Me I had turkey burgers, green beans and salad. I was so proud of ME! I am learning to cope with things without WORK and without FOOD.
No matter what it is I am learning to cope without working 900 hours and without stuffing my face with that ugly vice of FOOD.
I am really on a healthy journey and getting to the bottom of WHY we eat and why I will not go back to what I was doing before. I will be able to continue down this healthy journey!
See you next time.....
Sorry it has been so long again since posting, I continue to struggle. I do not struggle with the food or the steps but I struggle with my mind. The weekend getaway was great but great but sooner or later you still need to come home to reality. I was driving home from my great getaway and phone begins to ring. Where is this, where is that, I need this and I need that. Already before I left I seemed to have had a fragile mindset and now it didn't seem to be getting better.
I decided I needed to talk to my doctor about what has been going on about all of this. If seems I am just not myself. She and I sat down and talked. She felt there has just been so much loss lately in my life that who could be asked to cope with that in the past 90 days. I lost a baby, my job, a relationship and my comfort friend FOOD. Lots of changes and some new introductions need to be placed into my life. We decided I need to go into an Outpatient Program at the hospital to work on coping skills. Without a job to bury myself in I can go and go without thinking. Work gets out of control and I can easily grab a cupcake! When something upsetting happens and it is the weekend before I would drive through McDonald and delve into a Quarter Pounder.
So this is week three of classes. The Easter basket was here around the house and IT WAS difficult to leave it alone. I love those Cadbury Eggs but I did not touch the basket. My family even brought pizza into the house. That was a different argument all in itself. Easter Sunday everyone came over here for the traditional ham and all the fixings. Me I had turkey burgers, green beans and salad. I was so proud of ME! I am learning to cope with things without WORK and without FOOD.
No matter what it is I am learning to cope without working 900 hours and without stuffing my face with that ugly vice of FOOD.
I am really on a healthy journey and getting to the bottom of WHY we eat and why I will not go back to what I was doing before. I will be able to continue down this healthy journey!
See you next time.....
4/4/10
Still Continuing to Learn
Yes, still the walls continue to close in on me. Last weekend I was surprised by my boyfriend Shawn. He knew (I thought) I needed to get away from the staring out the window and the thoughts that were over taking me. Since he lives in upstate in New York we met at the Bay Front in Erie. What a beautiful place. I arrived to a beautiful bay front room. The view out the window of the room was just water from one side of the glass to the other. I arrived at 4pm. So the schedule was - that there was no schedule. What I felt was nice was he put some great thought into the trip. On the desk next to the window was strawberries, blueberries, almonds, vegetables and some great different waters. Everything I would want to munch on if I felt I needed a snack. He also took the time to purchase an IPOD speaker to play some music through out the room. Soon out came my rain machine from his house that I use to sleep at night. I cannot sleep without NOISE in a room, but a TV keeps me awake. I really couldn't believe the thought he put into stay for the weekend. I would have to admit I was nervous about my first time away from home and eating food out and about!
Dinner time came and I was a little apprehensive. How would I handle it? Could I handle it? Would the waitress think I was a freak? Would Shawn give me a hard time? Well I guess we wont know until I try. I am going to try the turkey burger, I opt for no bun. It comes with fries. Why if someone is ordering a turkey burger would they want fries? This is flooring to me but anyway I exchange it for a salad. YES, before I did finally decide on something I did ask a numerous amount of questions. Because on here I make it sound like I just looked at the menu and selected. In reality it took me a good 20 minutes. The food server was patient but a little perplexed on what I was doing. I finally felt I needed to explain myself. She asked me "How do you turn down fries?" I told her to me they just don't exist any longer. I have made a mind shift that it just isn't all that important to eat fries, and really do they really taste all that great? Nah! I have to tell you the turkey burger was pretty good and I felt great in my first meal away. Major task accomplished!
Breakfast time and I am in a panic again. The menu arrives and WOW - it has a million healthy choices. I am going to have the scrambled egg whites with asparagus and chicken. I also get a yogurt parfait with granola and flax seeds and berries. SNAG - the scrambled egg whites come with HASH BROWNS "well can I have something else?" The server suggests (I call them a server because I am not sure they like being called a waitress anymore?) "how about a bowl of berries?" So she brings me a great bowl of strawberries, blackberries, blueberries and raspberries. YES, all my favorites. Two meals down and I am on a roll and we are off to the park to get in some steps for the day. My mood has so improved. Out and about not thinking (well not as much) and positive in knowing I can do this out away from home!
Tune in later.....
Dinner time came and I was a little apprehensive. How would I handle it? Could I handle it? Would the waitress think I was a freak? Would Shawn give me a hard time? Well I guess we wont know until I try. I am going to try the turkey burger, I opt for no bun. It comes with fries. Why if someone is ordering a turkey burger would they want fries? This is flooring to me but anyway I exchange it for a salad. YES, before I did finally decide on something I did ask a numerous amount of questions. Because on here I make it sound like I just looked at the menu and selected. In reality it took me a good 20 minutes. The food server was patient but a little perplexed on what I was doing. I finally felt I needed to explain myself. She asked me "How do you turn down fries?" I told her to me they just don't exist any longer. I have made a mind shift that it just isn't all that important to eat fries, and really do they really taste all that great? Nah! I have to tell you the turkey burger was pretty good and I felt great in my first meal away. Major task accomplished!
Breakfast time and I am in a panic again. The menu arrives and WOW - it has a million healthy choices. I am going to have the scrambled egg whites with asparagus and chicken. I also get a yogurt parfait with granola and flax seeds and berries. SNAG - the scrambled egg whites come with HASH BROWNS "well can I have something else?" The server suggests (I call them a server because I am not sure they like being called a waitress anymore?) "how about a bowl of berries?" So she brings me a great bowl of strawberries, blackberries, blueberries and raspberries. YES, all my favorites. Two meals down and I am on a roll and we are off to the park to get in some steps for the day. My mood has so improved. Out and about not thinking (well not as much) and positive in knowing I can do this out away from home!
Tune in later.....
4/3/10
Learning Each Day
Hello Everyone!
Sorry I have been remiss in posting! I have been in a funk! I have been learning a great deal about myself. Sitting around without a job it is funny what tricks your mind will play on you. You have nothing to sit and do but think! It seems my mind never turns off. I would like to think I could just sit and stare out the window and have a blank mind, but I don't. This mind of mind is just turning and turning constantly. I never realized how working 50 - 60 hrs a week kept my mind so busy. Even if I wasn't working at least I was thinking about work! I was thinking about how I could be improving it, what I need to follow-up on or what I need to do the next day to get something up and moving. I had my mind occupied. Now my mind is not occupied with work thoughts. So guess what I am thinking about?
Yes, you guessed it. Food. I never realized how much I think about food. Or better yet how much I used food in my everyday life. I have had so many recent set backs lately in my life. So many losses. I lost a baby in December. The day before Christmas Eve to be exact. I went in for the DNC the day before Christmas Eve and was sent home. I don't think I ever really grieved or maybe I really don't know how to grieve. I don't really know if I know how to feel anything at all. I came home and the next day was Christmas Eve, the day after that was Christmas and before I knew it along came New Years. People in my life looked at me and figured well she seems fine all must be OK, so she must be OK. I think I wait for people to ask me if I am OK before I bring things up, because I figure who wants to hear about my issues people have their own problems. Like food I push all my feelings down my throat.
February came and I lost my job. So on top of an already big loss now I have lost my biggest since of identity. Again, I am the head of household. I can't bother anyone with my problems or issues so I push down my fear and feelings like food down my throat. I don't know but can you feel the space getting smaller in your chest because mine is filling up? I have now lost a child I have waited for now for MANY years (remember I have a 13 yr old) and my only self worth (well I feel) my job. The walls seem to be closing in on me.
I will post more later.....tune in.....
Sorry I have been remiss in posting! I have been in a funk! I have been learning a great deal about myself. Sitting around without a job it is funny what tricks your mind will play on you. You have nothing to sit and do but think! It seems my mind never turns off. I would like to think I could just sit and stare out the window and have a blank mind, but I don't. This mind of mind is just turning and turning constantly. I never realized how working 50 - 60 hrs a week kept my mind so busy. Even if I wasn't working at least I was thinking about work! I was thinking about how I could be improving it, what I need to follow-up on or what I need to do the next day to get something up and moving. I had my mind occupied. Now my mind is not occupied with work thoughts. So guess what I am thinking about?
Yes, you guessed it. Food. I never realized how much I think about food. Or better yet how much I used food in my everyday life. I have had so many recent set backs lately in my life. So many losses. I lost a baby in December. The day before Christmas Eve to be exact. I went in for the DNC the day before Christmas Eve and was sent home. I don't think I ever really grieved or maybe I really don't know how to grieve. I don't really know if I know how to feel anything at all. I came home and the next day was Christmas Eve, the day after that was Christmas and before I knew it along came New Years. People in my life looked at me and figured well she seems fine all must be OK, so she must be OK. I think I wait for people to ask me if I am OK before I bring things up, because I figure who wants to hear about my issues people have their own problems. Like food I push all my feelings down my throat.
February came and I lost my job. So on top of an already big loss now I have lost my biggest since of identity. Again, I am the head of household. I can't bother anyone with my problems or issues so I push down my fear and feelings like food down my throat. I don't know but can you feel the space getting smaller in your chest because mine is filling up? I have now lost a child I have waited for now for MANY years (remember I have a 13 yr old) and my only self worth (well I feel) my job. The walls seem to be closing in on me.
I will post more later.....tune in.....
3/25/10
Changes All Around
Hello everyone!
Did you ever notice that when you begin to make changes that the people around you begin to resent that you are changing? They may say "I want only what will make you happy". When in fact really they only want you to stay the same, safe, uncomfortable, unhappy and status qou. That is really what makes THEM comfortable right?
I spent over 80 minutes on the phone with a what I consider a close friend the other night. I was ready to throw in the towel. I have changed over my life. This isn't a DIET, it has been a total lifestyle change. We didn't leave the show with a secret pill, a secret tea or even a secret. They sent us home with ourselves. Which some days can be our own worst enemy. We needed to come to grips with ourselves. Convince ME that YES I want to change. I came home and cleaned out my refrigerator and dumped the crap! Because I know I am not strong enough to refuse it. Face it I know myself. You have to be honest with yourself - don't kid yourself. I didn't!! I know I am NOT strong enough to just buy it for my son and not eat it. Better yet he shouldn't be eating it anyway!
That just isn't enough though is it? Back to those people that want what is "best for us" Yet watch them. They are certainly not willing to come along with you so quickly are they? They are out to sabotages the entire process. I cannot stand hearing "The entire world is not on a diet, only you are" Well as I said, I am not on a diet. I have decided to make a lifestyle change. Believe me there is NOT one person around me who could not afford to make a lifestyle change. I take almonds and water to the movies while I watch others close to me eat popcorn and drink soda. I eat fruit and yogurt and count calories and wish to know how my food is prepared when I eat out. This is only because to look beautiful again to me is important. It is the few things I can control that is important in this journey. I want to walk tall again. I want to know that I am the one that draws the special someones eye to me. No one wants the next hot one to walk past to gain the attention of those eyes instead. Isn't it bad enough that we are getting older, but to also get heavier and feel we "don't have it anymore" is just blah.
So for those family members that read this - or talk your family members into reading this for you. Support those that are on the journey. It isn't easy. We need you - we need your support more then ever. Support is NOT nagging. Support is being by our side. If you chose to not be on the journey with us - that is your loss. PLEASE don't do it in front of us. Of course I am not saying to be closet eaters or sneak around. But just be courteous. Do not question what it is that we do at restaurants. Support us, because in our heads we do it for a reason. Right now - we don't feel as if we have that much control over much else. Talk to our kids about manners and compassion - it will only help them in the long run. Wow sure it may not be fun, but look at the payoff in the end!
Please take the journey with us.......
Did you ever notice that when you begin to make changes that the people around you begin to resent that you are changing? They may say "I want only what will make you happy". When in fact really they only want you to stay the same, safe, uncomfortable, unhappy and status qou. That is really what makes THEM comfortable right?
I spent over 80 minutes on the phone with a what I consider a close friend the other night. I was ready to throw in the towel. I have changed over my life. This isn't a DIET, it has been a total lifestyle change. We didn't leave the show with a secret pill, a secret tea or even a secret. They sent us home with ourselves. Which some days can be our own worst enemy. We needed to come to grips with ourselves. Convince ME that YES I want to change. I came home and cleaned out my refrigerator and dumped the crap! Because I know I am not strong enough to refuse it. Face it I know myself. You have to be honest with yourself - don't kid yourself. I didn't!! I know I am NOT strong enough to just buy it for my son and not eat it. Better yet he shouldn't be eating it anyway!
That just isn't enough though is it? Back to those people that want what is "best for us" Yet watch them. They are certainly not willing to come along with you so quickly are they? They are out to sabotages the entire process. I cannot stand hearing "The entire world is not on a diet, only you are" Well as I said, I am not on a diet. I have decided to make a lifestyle change. Believe me there is NOT one person around me who could not afford to make a lifestyle change. I take almonds and water to the movies while I watch others close to me eat popcorn and drink soda. I eat fruit and yogurt and count calories and wish to know how my food is prepared when I eat out. This is only because to look beautiful again to me is important. It is the few things I can control that is important in this journey. I want to walk tall again. I want to know that I am the one that draws the special someones eye to me. No one wants the next hot one to walk past to gain the attention of those eyes instead. Isn't it bad enough that we are getting older, but to also get heavier and feel we "don't have it anymore" is just blah.
So for those family members that read this - or talk your family members into reading this for you. Support those that are on the journey. It isn't easy. We need you - we need your support more then ever. Support is NOT nagging. Support is being by our side. If you chose to not be on the journey with us - that is your loss. PLEASE don't do it in front of us. Of course I am not saying to be closet eaters or sneak around. But just be courteous. Do not question what it is that we do at restaurants. Support us, because in our heads we do it for a reason. Right now - we don't feel as if we have that much control over much else. Talk to our kids about manners and compassion - it will only help them in the long run. Wow sure it may not be fun, but look at the payoff in the end!
Please take the journey with us.......
3/22/10
Weigh In Day
Well it is Monday - of course it is WEIGH IN DAY! The day that I either cannot wait for or dread. I haven't really decided yet which one it is. So today I am down ONE pound. I didn't think light enough as I drove to the gym to step on the scale. Last week I said all the way there to myself. "Think light, think light, think light". Now are you picturing in your head someone breathing - doing a hand gesture in front of you making a wave and saying that at the same time? Good! Now you have the right visual. Today, my mind was elsewhere and by the time I got in the parking lot and out of the car, then I decided oh yeah - think light. Well that didn't work!! Good news is - my new outlook is FOCUS on the positive. Did I gain? NO! Did I cheat? NO! Did I get in my steps? Yes! Could I have done better! ALWAYS! So another week! Bonus I weigh less then what I did when I started this journey!
What else this journey has brought me is friends that I haven't spoken to in a long while. You have reached out to me from every where. Whether you have called, emailed or face booked me. I need all of you to know how much it means to me. I had a GREAT friend call me today on the phone, I think we talked for TWO hours. I don't remember the last time I had a phone conversation like that - well I do but I was in a car on the way to Toronto. She tried to explain to me what a great person I am. She keeps trying to explain to me what a great find I am. I think a great treasure she called me. She is great at always seeing that in me - when I couldn't or still can't see that! We were a great team back in the day! I would play short stop and she would play third base! When my arm hurt so bad and I couldn't tell the coach (because he was my Dad) we could make it look like a trick and I could toss the ball to her and we could still get the out at first! She has always had my back and knew when she needed to be there for me just like today!
So thanks for being there for me through this journey - I may have some rough days and patches like today but I promise not to give up. If you guys promise to keep pushing me and calling me to give me the kick in the butt I need to say "Get up and Get Moving" (that's for Jill)
Until next time.............
What else this journey has brought me is friends that I haven't spoken to in a long while. You have reached out to me from every where. Whether you have called, emailed or face booked me. I need all of you to know how much it means to me. I had a GREAT friend call me today on the phone, I think we talked for TWO hours. I don't remember the last time I had a phone conversation like that - well I do but I was in a car on the way to Toronto. She tried to explain to me what a great person I am. She keeps trying to explain to me what a great find I am. I think a great treasure she called me. She is great at always seeing that in me - when I couldn't or still can't see that! We were a great team back in the day! I would play short stop and she would play third base! When my arm hurt so bad and I couldn't tell the coach (because he was my Dad) we could make it look like a trick and I could toss the ball to her and we could still get the out at first! She has always had my back and knew when she needed to be there for me just like today!
So thanks for being there for me through this journey - I may have some rough days and patches like today but I promise not to give up. If you guys promise to keep pushing me and calling me to give me the kick in the butt I need to say "Get up and Get Moving" (that's for Jill)
Until next time.............
3/21/10
What a Weekend
Sorry I haven't updated in a couple days. I have missed all of you. Yes, what are there four people that watch me. LOL. My son came home from school on Thursday in tears and stated that he could not swallow. I asked him when it started which in turn stated to me "since fifth period". I asked him why he didn't go to the nurse. He tells me he didn't know where it was. Now mind you he has been going to this school since the 5th grade! He is now in the 8th grade! He tells me he informed the teachers in each class he doesn't feel well and they just tell him to lay his head down. So he does what any kid does when they put their head down he fell asleep. Are the teachers that clueless that if a kid falls asleep that they are not concerned. I mean it isn't like my son usually comes to school to sleep. I would have thought (or HOPED) they would have sent him to the office. Move ahead 12 hours and we are in the ER and his temp ends up being 103.9 and he has strep throat. Think the teacher would look twice NOW!!
My favorite is that he yells for my mom in the middle of the night. He of course has a high fever "Eme (this is what he calls my mom) I can't move my arms or legs" of course my mom jumps out of bed like there is a fire! She says "can you NOT move them or does it just hurt to?" He then answers "well, yes it just hurts to move them". She then proceeds to put her heart back in her chest and proceed to the medicine cabinet to retrieve the Advil - and me the mother. We finally get the fever down after alternating Tylenol and Motrin piggy backing them. I have to say it was the first time since he was a baby that he scared me being so sick. Thank goodness for grandma's!! As she informed me - she has a great deal more experience. Not only in years, but she has a child that was ALWAYS sick. (Yes that would be me)
I did manage to get all my walking in this weekend. The weather was beautiful!! I decided to take a trash bag with me and on my walk pick up as I go. So each time I walk I bring at least one bag of trash home with me when I return. Wow what a great neighbor I am (pat on back). I cannot believe the mess that is left after the snow melts! I also cannot believe all the CRAP people leave on mailboxes etc. We will paint your house, clean your windows, spray your yard yet non of them will pick up their stupid papers that blow away in the wind!!
So everyone waves and I have met many neighbors on my walks. Many people have watched the show and know what I am up to. So many people knew me in school but didn't know of my secret life of modeling or beauty pageants. One told me today "Yeah I heard you USED to be super hot in school" WOW that one cut like a knife. I just thanked him and then politely excused myself to continue walking. It is those people that FIRE ME UP to succeed. It is those people I want to put in their place. It is those people I will use as energy when I feel I cannot do my 10,000 steps. When I think I cannot do one more sit-up, one more lunge. When I think my journey is over - I will remember that "USED to be" and never want to look back and continue on the positive journey forward!!
Until next time.......
My favorite is that he yells for my mom in the middle of the night. He of course has a high fever "Eme (this is what he calls my mom) I can't move my arms or legs" of course my mom jumps out of bed like there is a fire! She says "can you NOT move them or does it just hurt to?" He then answers "well, yes it just hurts to move them". She then proceeds to put her heart back in her chest and proceed to the medicine cabinet to retrieve the Advil - and me the mother. We finally get the fever down after alternating Tylenol and Motrin piggy backing them. I have to say it was the first time since he was a baby that he scared me being so sick. Thank goodness for grandma's!! As she informed me - she has a great deal more experience. Not only in years, but she has a child that was ALWAYS sick. (Yes that would be me)
I did manage to get all my walking in this weekend. The weather was beautiful!! I decided to take a trash bag with me and on my walk pick up as I go. So each time I walk I bring at least one bag of trash home with me when I return. Wow what a great neighbor I am (pat on back). I cannot believe the mess that is left after the snow melts! I also cannot believe all the CRAP people leave on mailboxes etc. We will paint your house, clean your windows, spray your yard yet non of them will pick up their stupid papers that blow away in the wind!!
So everyone waves and I have met many neighbors on my walks. Many people have watched the show and know what I am up to. So many people knew me in school but didn't know of my secret life of modeling or beauty pageants. One told me today "Yeah I heard you USED to be super hot in school" WOW that one cut like a knife. I just thanked him and then politely excused myself to continue walking. It is those people that FIRE ME UP to succeed. It is those people I want to put in their place. It is those people I will use as energy when I feel I cannot do my 10,000 steps. When I think I cannot do one more sit-up, one more lunge. When I think my journey is over - I will remember that "USED to be" and never want to look back and continue on the positive journey forward!!
Until next time.......
3/18/10
Lesson Learned Today
I learned today from a friend ONE slice of cheese (pick the type) has the same amount of fat as 32 (YES 32) regular baked potatoes (Not Chips Actual Potatoes). WOW, I couldn't believe this when I read it. I think I read it three or four times before it actually sunk into my head and actually made sense! I was attempting in my head to visualize all those taters next to a tiny piece of cheese. It just doesn't even seem worth it to me!
Then as I am eating tonight I was thinking about how I am eating so many things I would NEVER eat before. Today I ate a sweet potato. I would NEVER eat those before NOT even at Thanksgiving with marshmallows on them. But today I ate them plain and loved them! Also today a veggie burger and potato salad - again TWO things I would have never touched before! I realized that something in my mind has switched over to "it is just food". Instead of "IT IS JUST FOOOOD!" Can you feel it in the words? In other words - it isn't a feeling anymore - it seems to have changed into a word "food"
I read an interesting saying today that seems to be fitting - "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels." I think I would like to try that for size!! Wanna try it with me?
Then as I am eating tonight I was thinking about how I am eating so many things I would NEVER eat before. Today I ate a sweet potato. I would NEVER eat those before NOT even at Thanksgiving with marshmallows on them. But today I ate them plain and loved them! Also today a veggie burger and potato salad - again TWO things I would have never touched before! I realized that something in my mind has switched over to "it is just food". Instead of "IT IS JUST FOOOOD!" Can you feel it in the words? In other words - it isn't a feeling anymore - it seems to have changed into a word "food"
I read an interesting saying today that seems to be fitting - "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels." I think I would like to try that for size!! Wanna try it with me?
3/17/10
What a Beautiful Day!!
YOU-reka (lol) what an epiphany today! My son text me from his friends house today to ask me to come pick him up. Now this kid lives in our neighborhood. I realized Grandma who lives with us would usually pick him up. Me, I would sit here in my office and allow it. I thought a minute and then I text him back. "It is a beautiful day, you can walk home!" I get the message back "What? Are you serious?" I chuckled as I read the returned text. Then I picked up my phone and text him back. "How about I walk to you and then you and I walk back home. We can walk together for steps!" I waited for a response. Back comes "Cool, meet you 4:45".
I met him at the corner of the street where his friend lives. It was 1500 steps from our house. We continued around the entire neighborhood and back up to our house. We passed many neighbors many which have seen the show, and even one who yelled "looking good" (my son's baseball coach - he is a little partial so he doesnt count but for a second it sounded GREAT!) We finally arrived back at our garage 5240 steps.
So not only did I get in half my steps but I had great company and learned all about my sons day and taught him to get up and get moving!!
I met him at the corner of the street where his friend lives. It was 1500 steps from our house. We continued around the entire neighborhood and back up to our house. We passed many neighbors many which have seen the show, and even one who yelled "looking good" (my son's baseball coach - he is a little partial so he doesnt count but for a second it sounded GREAT!) We finally arrived back at our garage 5240 steps.
So not only did I get in half my steps but I had great company and learned all about my sons day and taught him to get up and get moving!!
3/16/10
Huge Step Tonight
Tonight I had to attend Parents Night at my sons new school. He was accepted to a new high school for next year and tonight all new freshman parents were to meet each other. I dreaded the meeting since the email came out on Saturday! I counted the hours today until I had to get ready to leave. I strongly dislike (hate) needing to see people in public. I am much happier sitting in in my living room where I am comfortable seeing no one. Well my son needs me tonight. This is a HUGE step for him. He has wanted to attend this school since the fourth grade.
It took me two hours to get ready. Not two hours because I primped but because I had to talk myself into going. Well I did it - I went - I smiled and I made it through. At the end of the night I got into the car and I said to myself "the next time you see these people it can only be better". But the best part, my son looked at me and said "Thanks Mom for coming with me tonight!" Those words alone make this journey all worth it!
It took me two hours to get ready. Not two hours because I primped but because I had to talk myself into going. Well I did it - I went - I smiled and I made it through. At the end of the night I got into the car and I said to myself "the next time you see these people it can only be better". But the best part, my son looked at me and said "Thanks Mom for coming with me tonight!" Those words alone make this journey all worth it!
Light at the end of the tunnel
Well just when I thought it wouldnt happen the scale moved and I lost 3 pounds finally on weigh in day! 1 inch in my chest (Yes of course women we lose there first - WHY?) and an inch in my hips. Also I lost a 1/4 in my waist. I am happy to see the inches coming off, but I am not going to lie I am ectastic to see lower numbers on the scale! Last week I didnt lose a pound so it was great to see the number DECREASE this week. It makes me believe I can really do this.
3/15/10
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