Learning Each Day

Hello Everyone!

Sorry I have been remiss in posting! I have been in a funk! I have been learning a great deal about myself. Sitting around without a job it is funny what tricks your mind will play on you. You have nothing to sit and do but think! It seems my mind never turns off. I would like to think I could just sit and stare out the window and have a blank mind, but I don't. This mind of mind is just turning and turning constantly. I never realized how working 50 - 60 hrs a week kept my mind so busy. Even if I wasn't working at least I was thinking about work! I was thinking about how I could be improving it, what I need to follow-up on or what I need to do the next day to get something up and moving. I had my mind occupied. Now my mind is not occupied with work thoughts. So guess what I am thinking about?

Yes, you guessed it. Food. I never realized how much I think about food. Or better yet how much I used food in my everyday life. I have had so many recent set backs lately in my life. So many losses. I lost a baby in December. The day before Christmas Eve to be exact. I went in for the DNC the day before Christmas Eve and was sent home. I don't think I ever really grieved or maybe I really don't know how to grieve. I don't really know if I know how to feel anything at all. I came home and the next day was Christmas Eve, the day after that was Christmas and before I knew it along came New Years. People in my life looked at me and figured well she seems fine all must be OK, so she must be OK. I think I wait for people to ask me if I am OK before I bring things up, because I figure who wants to hear about my issues people have their own problems. Like food I push all my feelings down my throat.

February came and I lost my job. So on top of an already big loss now I have lost my biggest since of identity. Again, I am the head of household. I can't bother anyone with my problems or issues so I push down my fear and feelings like food down my throat. I don't know but can you feel the space getting smaller in your chest because mine is filling up? I have now lost a child I have waited for now for MANY years (remember I have a 13 yr old) and my only self worth (well I feel) my job. The walls seem to be closing in on me.

I will post more later.....tune in.....