Still Plugging Along.....

Hi Everyone!

Well I finally finished my outpatient stint at the hospital. I felt that I could no longer be helped within the group therapy sessions. I needed to be more in one on one sessions with someone and the Dr. agreed. You cannot even imagine the things your mind does when you have hidden things from it with food. I have had two HUGE vices on my side ONE I am a workaholic and TWO I found out a FOOD aholic. So without a job and food to save me from myself I have to deal with myself. SCARY! Imagine having to face that!!

Folders begin to open in your head that you felt were not just closed ones but ones you never really remembered existed. I really was challenged in therapy and needed to not only do some searching but some FOOTWORK! I said something in therapy that my therapists questioned and I actually had to go on a field trip! Sometimes, she says, when you have been through trauma you "think" you remember things that have taken place. So she challenged me to find things and bring things to her to prove to her it happened. This was great. I cannot tell you that at first my feelings were not hurt. I felt she was calling me a liar, but once I completed the field trip I felt vindicated. Vindicated for me and for my mind. Wow, I really didn't want to feel all these feelings again. Nor did I want to deal with them. But for some reason, God wants me to deal with them now.

Now I am not a LARGELY religious person. I believe in something certainly larger then me and He is definitely in charge. So when I lost my job, and lost my baby and was direct to the show and now on this journey, it is no accident. I need to clear out these files and get a few things in my life cleaned up. ONE - clean the garbage out of my life. TWO - remove those that DO NOT have my best interest at heart and THREE become healthy both in body and soul. The healthier I am then the healthier people I attract to me.

Well I am certainly on my way. The stronger I get the more people begin to weed themselves out of my life. I find it amazing the stronger I get and they can no longer manipulate and push and get their way they just quietly remove themselves. I just slowly become obsolete in their lives and they seem to move on. I feel myself getting stronger. I feel my back bone getting straighter and at times I even catch myself smiling at myself in the mirror. Don't tell anyone, but I may even be beginning to like the person looking back! She's is getting there. I can tell you she is farther along then she has ever been before!

Everyday is still a struggle to get out of bed. I am not going to lie, yesterday on my 10,000 steps walk I wished that a car would just come around the corner and remove me from all the pain I feel. But I know that would just be a coward's way out! I am NO COWARD! Jill tells me "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear!"

This is journey is all worth it......