WOW - how long has it been!

Hi Everyone!

I didn't realize it has been three weeks since I have posted something. I have still been working hard since getting out of the hospital. Lots of books I needed to read and lots of Dr's visits to go to. Well I try to go. Lot's of work to do at those visits and it is hard to stay on task. I attempt to talk about the day to day events instead of what needs to be done. It seems I am good as "avoidance" another great term I have learned.

I am just not getting out of this funk. Interview after interview I have heard nothing about work. I am so used to going on an interview and walking away with a job. Everyone keeps telling me "this is a different market" "these are different times" but guess what someone has to get the job? Why not me? Every time - sorry we have hired someone from within? I wonder if that is just a nice turn down line. So if my self confidence wasn't shot already, it seems to be going down farther. Because you know me it has to be me that isn't getting the job it cant be this economy right!

So lots of bills, two mortgages of $1200 each, groceries (because it seems we own stock in Giant Eagle) and of course on a budget you need to stock up on things not just buy what you need! (My mother buys the groceries). The electric company coming to the door give us a check or we are turning it off, lucky I have a check to pay them. Yes God provides.

The renters on the other condo left it in the middle of a TWO year lease with $1000 of repairs so that needed to be done, the locks need to be changed and guess what the ass wont return the garage door opener. Why? Because he wants me to go out with him in trade? Yes, just what I want at this point in my life. He has cost me a year lease, $1000 in repairs and I should be thrilled to be going out on a date with him. Do you ever wonder what the HECK men are thinking?

So I held a garage sale and sold whatever I could find in the house. Whatever furniture I could find and just kept asking people what they were looking for and running in the house. Yes, and then thinking if I had it. So enough money to make some other payments - not like I could go shopping at Tiffany's afterwards! Wow what a let down! Well garage sale down and money in the bank. Now still a job to be found!

More interviews this week - I had a second one with a company this week but they want me to move to New York City. Exciting, YES. But there is a small boy that is in no way moving but also we may not have a choice there is nothing here work wise. Yes has been accepted to a great academic school rated second in the country for baseball which is his dream Guess what I wont stay where there is no money to be had for my family to be successful. I am not a coward I have to move forward and take care of things. He will be taken care of. Somehow I will get it done. Show him that I am not a quitter and status QUO is NOT acceptable!! ALONE yes.

Alone - that is another story. Shawn is just Shawn. I am tired of him telling me he will be in my corner. I have enough people in my corner. I need someone that wants to be by my side. I need a man by my side not a mouse watching from the corner. Watching while I take care of everything and just being there to say YEAH or OK. I guess I am on my own and that is OK. I was on my own when I met him 18 months ago and I can do it alone now. What help was it really anyway. When things were great they were great but when there was a problem or a crisis it wasn't great. So there really wasn't anything. I learned how he was in a crisis when I miscarried the baby. He doesn't handle crisis.

So I will look for a job. If I need to move to New York City or if I some how find a local position I will do what I do to take care of myself and my son. Because I have learned NO ONE will take care of ME and Josh but ME. I have tried my hardest to be the best I can be and given it my all but the rope is getting smaller by the day.......where do I go from here.

I feel at this point my bed is the only person that loves me - it envelops me. It doesn't judge me and it just makes it all go away. Yes I know I am not making anything go away by doing that. It sounds odd but I think clearer when I sleep - I just hate how it must make me look to my son.

I CAN DO THIS - IS WHAT I NEED TO REPEAT TO MYSELF but I wake up each day and look around and it is all do overwhelming I just lay back down. You know who you are come here and kick me in the ass!! I am calling out to you because I am losing it!!